My So-Called Life

Hello, new friends! Seeing as my blog following literally more than doubled last week after my post was Freshly Pressed, I figured I’d bring all you new followers up to speed on my life.

This is me performing at one of my concerts. I’m a professional singer.

No. I’m totally kidding. That’s me giving a speech at my sister’s wedding. I was nearly paralyzed with anxiety at the time.

An interesting fact about me is that yesterday as I was driving, an unidentified object flew out of the truck bed in front of me and crashed into my windshield. This happened right after I found Taylor Swift’s Trouble on a radio station after I had just gotten to listen to it on another station, so I was literally thinking, “How lucky can I get on one road trip?!” So this was a valuable lesson in the world re-balancing itself.

Another thing you should know is that I used to have an extra bone in my foot but had to get it removed after tripping over my own clog.

I work two jobs. I screen nursing home applicants and I’m a substance abuse counselor. Turns out it’s really hard to get people off of drugs. I’m still trying to figure that one out.

This is Doug:

Doug awkwardly put his arm around me at a party five years ago and then I backed out into a car trying to get away from him. But through a blurry series of events, we would eventually become lovers and I would follow him to Iowa so that he could pursue his dreams. And by “pursue his dreams,” I mean that one afternoon in college while he was skipping Italian class we would eat at Chipotle and between bites of steak tacos I would say, “You know, if you actually applied yourself you could go to grad school and become an English professor,” and he would say “Really?” and then proceed to miss his GRE date twice but ultimately get into a really good PhD program.

Doug has been gradually transforming into a cowboy ever since we got stranded in Montana last summer after totaling our car on our vacation to Yellowstone. His new wardrobe of cowboy hats, belt buckles, and boots really makes him stand out around Iowa. Recent reactions he has gotten around town include a toothless Mexican man saying, “Hey Papi! I love the sombrero, man,” a little girl at a museum saying, “Look Daddy! Is that man a cowboy?”, two college bros instantly changing their topic of conversation to how Arnold Schwarzenegger’s new movie is going to be a Western, and a rugged transient telling Doug that his totem animal must be a buffalo, because he “has the good energy of a water-carrying animal.”

This is Ketos:

Ketos was literally delivered to our doorstep by a deer. There had been a tornado the month before, on Friday the 13^th, so my theory is that Ketos never had cat parents but was actually born out of the tornado. This would certainly explain why he is so bad. He truly might be Satan. Just this past week he was caught trying to pull off the Great Beef Jerky Heist of the century

This is Witten, aka Wittle Bean:

We intended to give her a more meaningful name but put it off so long that eventually we just started calling her Witten because it rhymes with kitten. She used to be sweet but has recently turned sour. I think Ketos has been giving her “How to Be Bad” lessons while we are asleep, because lately she has been removing everything from my bulletin board and eating the tacks. Or maybe Doug trained her to do that so she would get rid of the Chihuahua puppy calendar he hates.

I think that about sums it up. Any questions? I’m happy to have you all along for the ride!