Hello, my sweets! Looks like I’ve been away from my blog for 23 days. Nine of those days were spent traveling the sunny coast of California/booking non-refundable snorkel excursions that turned out to be on faraway islands and then having to figure out how to get to them. Seven of those days were spent obsessively Googling Cory Monteith’s death, getting over the fact that he wasn’t Finn Hudson, and feeling unreasonably sad about it. The other seven days remain unaccounted for. But I’m sure I had a good reason at the time. Let’s forgive me and move on.
Things That Have Been Happening in my Head/Heart/Life:
1. I heard angels sing. For serious! I was sitting in my sister’s hot tub with Doug and Noemi and sister, when suddenly I heard the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard and, although I’d never heard anything like it before, instantly knew it was a choir of angels. You’d have known too. I asked the others if they heard it and they said all they heard were ambulance sirens. I didn’t hear any sirens—just angels. My theory is that whoever died in that accident became angels and God graced me with the 20-second supernatural power of being able to hear their song.
2. Speaking of theories, I shared a new one with Doug last night: What if, in our last life, Ketos and Witten owned us? And we just keep switching back and forth for all eternity?
3. Speaking of being deep, I had a weird moment at the San Francisco Dollar Rent a Car in which the car-washer aggressively gave me driving advice that turned out to be life advice. He could smell my fear as I had a near panic-attack trying to navigate my way out of the narrow, jam-packed rental garage.
“You can’t worry about hitting every single car!” he said. “If you look at all the cars you will be scared to move at all! You just have to focus on the big, gray poles. Nothing else. Trust them to guide you!”
Heavy, right?? It was a very Zen moment in which I made the decision to instantly shed all earthly concerns and just focus on my guiding principles. Until about half a mile out of the parking garage, when I pulled the car over mid-hill and yelled to Noemi/Doug/sister, “THIS CITY IS FUCKING SCARY! I’M NOT DRIVING ANYMORE!”
4. Speaking of rental cars, this is what happened when I called Dollar to ask if we could pick up our car one day early:
Me: How much would it cost to pick up my car one day early?
Dollar Man: That would be six hundred additional dollars.
Me: Six hundred dollars to add one more day?!
Dollar Man: That is correct.
Me: Well…uh… What if I rented the car for one day, returned it, got back in line, then picked it up again for my original reservation?
Dollar Man: Yes. That would be sixty dollars.
So, that happened.
5. Speaking of rental cars, if there’s one legacy I want to leave behind in my life, it is to have warned people to NEVER RENT FROM DOLLAR RENT A CAR. It is the most poorly-run business of all time. They were so poorly run, in fact, that they could not figure out which car we had returned and were still trying to figure it out by the time we had to leave to catch our flight home. And they never did figure it out or bill me so apparently our $500-rental was free (either that or I will be arrested at some point in the future for stealing a car—but I’m really hoping for the former). So actually, I guess I will retract my previous statement and say that you actually SHOULD rent from Dollar Rent a Car, because you never know when it might end up being free.
6. Who’s sick of talking about rental cars? I know I am. I just remembered how I’ve been spending all my time lately, if you’re curious. Locked up in my study writing my book. Both writers who have read my book so far have given the same feedback: kick up the humor several thousand notches. In the words of my latest editor: “If you keep this as memoir, the pressure is on, big time, to be funny.” I’m kind of loving the fact that I’m under extreme pressure to be funny. In what other field (besides stand-up, I guess) is that a thing? Becoming funnier is a fun challenge and I’m up to it.
7. That’s all I got, folks. I will be back again in less than 23 days. Promskis.