Sometimes you have to pretend to be an idiot to get discounted laundry detergent, and last night was one of those nights.
It all started when I suddenly realized I had to do four loads of laundry before tomorrow and had no detergent.
I hate when this happens, because it means I have to run to the Kum & Go (yes, that’s what our gas stations are called) and get the only kind of detergent they carry: a very small container of weird off-brand-eco-friendly stuff for a whopping $9.89.
So I was standing in line at the K&G with my detergent and a ten dollar bill. There were two people ahead of me, and I was getting a little impatient thinking of all the laundry I had to do while listening to the first customer ask the cashier personal questions about her love life/potentially abusive relationship.
Customer: “Did you and your boyfriend have a big fight yesterday?”
Cashier: “What do you mean?”
Customer: “I heard him outside complaining that you just don’t understand.”
Cashier: “Oh, that’s because we have this weird thing where he’s older than me and thinks he’s always right and tries to be my dad.”
(This cashier alwaysovershares. She’s kind of famous for it. At least among Doug and I, who always rush home to tell each other whatever weird detail we just learned about her urination schedule).
Next up was a guy who kept buying scratch-offs. He kept asking for more and more and more.
“I can’t afford to stop now, because it’s the only way I’ll dig myself out of this hole I got myself into at the casino,” he said. “I don’t know if that’s good logic or if it’s a warning sign,” he wondered out loud.
“Warning sign,” I heard myself answer.
Finally he left and it was my turn.
The cashier scanned my detergent and said, “Two sixty five.”
“Two sixty five?” I asked, stunned. I knew that was way low. I know that shit is $9.89 like I know I went home for Christmas three years ago to find my parent’s basement filled with naked blow-up dolls.
“Two dollars and sixty five cents,” she said. “I’m sorry, I should have clarified. Not two hundred and sixty five dollars- that would be crazy!”
I realized, in this moment, I had two options.
A) Point out that I knew she meant $2.65 and was just shocked it was so low, thus saving face but risking her realizing her mistake and charging me full price.
B) Pretend I actually thought she meant $265.00, thus looking like an idiot but gleefully walk out of that store $7.24 richer than I had planned (that’s enough for four mango iced teas at Taco Bell, yo).
“I don’t know what I was thinking,” I said. “For two hundred and sixty five dollars, it would have to be, like, ridiculously high quality detergent.”
“Right!” she laughed. “Your clothes would be clean for years!”
We both chuckled as I took my change, stashed it in my pocket, and exited the Kum & Go as stealthily as I had