**When Doug discovered a forgotten king-sized Snickers Peanut Butter Bar in our pantry**
Doug: What is this? The Anne Frank of candy bars hiding in our cupboard from Adolf Hunger?
**When I was opening a package that came for me in the mail.**
Doug: What if it’s a tiny cat tuxedo for Ketos?
Me: I think I would remember ordering that.
Doug: You don’t have to order something for it to arrive. Nobody ordered the Bubonic Plague, but it showed up at Europe’s doorstep all the same.
Doug: I can’t think of lyrics for my next song.
Me: Want me to flash you my boobs? Boobs have been inspiring men for millions of years.
Doug: Millions? You must be including the earlier hominids that pre-date anatomically modern Homo sapiens.
Doug: I don’t like watermelon. Never have.
Me: But it’s so delicious! It’s God’s candy!
Doug: Maybe if it had more sugar. And if it were made out of the stuff Skittles are made of. You know, the red ones?
Doug: What? Sue me. I’m an honest man in a world full of lies.