Me: What would be your favorite sound to fall asleep to? Rain? Wind? Insects?
Doug: Probably a loose butthole farting in my ear.
Me: No, I’m serious. I really want to know.
Doug: A colobus monkey firing a shot gun.
Me: Stop it! Just answer the question.
Doug: The sound of a very sad man slowly resigning himself to a life he has no passion for.
Me: Never mind.


Doug: There is a man chasing a woman outside the window and they are making dog noises.

Me: Are you sure they aren’t dogs?

Doug: Oh yeah. I was wondering why they were small, furry quadrupeds.


(After we watched the video of Mitt Romney taking the ice bucket challenge):

Doug:  They should start a challenge where people dump buckets of carcinogens over the heads and contract cancer. Eventually Mitt Romney would do it, and then someone would cure cancer the next day. He’s really rich. They wouldn’t let him go… not that way.


(Also during the ice bucket challenge craze):

Doug: I’m going to write a novel about a man who wakes up from a forty year coma, does the ice bucket challenge, then realizes all the people he nominated are dead.