*This is part of a series in which I share posts from the Xanga I kept from November 2004 – May 2009. (Senior in high school – senior in college.)
Full disclosure: I did have to edit this one down, as it was about seven pages too long.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
So I guess things are over between us now. I’ve known for a while that we’ve both needed to move on, but I never imagined it would be on such bad terms. I suppose it makes sense though. We’ve cared about each other too much and been altogether too compatible for it to end any other way. Had it not ended in anger and resentment, we’d never let it end at all and just continue to pretend it was working when it wasn’t.
I can’t explain why the feeling in me changed, causing everything to fall apart. If I could somehow force that feeling back, I would. That’s why things have gone so horribly wrong this past month- because I’ve been pretending. I’ve been lying to you and myself, just wanting us to be happy and to make everything right.
When I tried to ignore the doubt and feel as confident about us as you were, it’s like something inside of me knew I was being dishonest and gave me away in the way I looked and acted around you. You were right when you said that my doubt was more than enough to mean we couldn’t be together anymore. You were completely sure and I wasn’t. I’m sorry. I was just trying so hard to hold on to what we had, because I loved you so much.
We built up this sort of secret life that was private and special and known to only us- and I loved every part of it. I remember that first summer when we were both so busy but always found time to see each other, even if it meant meeting for only five minutes between our sports practices when we were both sweaty and exhausted. We’d be so happy, so energized, just to have those few minutes together. And then we’d sneak out after curfew just to have more time to talk and hold each other until we’d be too tired to stay awake. Those are my best memories. Those were the times I felt the most alive.
In the beginning, I felt so nervous and excited to be around you, and at the same time so worried that you’d find me boring and eventually get tired with me. And to think that I became the one to mess it up in the end breaks my heart even more than if you had been the one to look me in the eyes and say you had no feelings left for me.
I know you’ve been fighting for this, I know you’ve been fighting for me. I know I had chances to make it better and I didn’t. I know that you cared about me more than anyone. I know you see this as me trading something amazing for something so much less. If I could change myself into what you need me to be, I would.
I guess it was unrealistic to hope we could remain friends after our love ran out, but this ending just doesn’t seem right when you’ve been my best friend for so many years, long before we fell in love. We always knew there was a risk of ruining our friendship if this didn’t work out- but then, we were also so confident of it working out. We had no reason not to be. We were 17 and in love.
And the sad thing is that you’re still my best friend, even though you hate me. My best friend hasn’t been one of my girlfriends or anyone in my family; I’ve cared about you the most by far.
I’m pretty sure you don’t read this, and I realize it’s pretty lame to post this on Xanga of all places. Maybe I’m just desperate to feel a connection with someone, anyone, right now. Maybe I’m subconsciously hoping you will come across this. I don’t know how else to get through to you. When I try to talk to you, you tell me it’s “just words.” When I IM you, you block me. Last night when you threw away my pictures, I felt like I was suffocating.
I can only hope that someday we’ll be able to get back a fraction of what we had, though I’ll try not to count on it. Because, after all, your exact words were “don’t count on it.” I hope you’re only acting this way out of initial hurt and anger- though that’s hardly a consolation, because it kills me to see you hurt and angry.
As much as I regret the way things ended, please know that I don’t regret the relationship for a second. I feel truly lucky for what we had and I completely believe that God placed you in my life for a reason. Some people never get to feel the way we got to feel when they’re young; some people never get to feel that way at all.
I’ve become a stronger person since I’ve known you. Before we met, I used to think I was so emo and depressed. When I look at my old diary entries and poems now, they seem ridiculous to me because I was just looking for reasons not to be happy and taking myself so damn seriously. Now, I know what you would say to that: “Julie, you always find reasons to make yourself unhappy.” I know, I do. But I was much worse back then! You taught me how to laugh at myself, how to look for the good in situations, and how to accept the attitudes of others without trying to change them. You said my friends would come around and they did. You said things would be okay and they were. It still amazes me how you were right about everything. You could look at things with so much logic while I’d get too caught up in the mess of emotions.
It’s strange to think how one person has changed your life so much, and then to look back on the moment you first met them, at a time when you couldn’t even begin to imagine the kind of impact they’d have. I still think about the time we first talked in the lunch line freshman year. I even remember what we were wearing. Isn’t that crazy? Who could have predicted all of this back then? But I guess that’s just high school. We all fall in love and we all get hurt. But I would not trade what we’ve shared for anything in the world. Never.
My friendship will be here waiting whenever you’re ready.
I’ll be seeing you around.
(13 comments, 24 eprops)
This is excellent. To be young like that again!
So what are the rules here? Can we get some kind of update… Did he read it? Did you ever become friends?
I don’t recall if he ever read it, but we did make up and become friends again very briefly, until he started dating someone else and I couldn’t handle it/had another breakdown. Now it’s been over 10 years since we talked.
To be young again, indeed…
Must have been something really good. I don’t suppose things worked out eventually, they hardly do.
Can I ask what prompted you to post it after so many years?
I was going through posts from my old blog, looking for old posts that I could re-post to entertain readers, and this one really stood out as having the most emotion and honesty in it. I hardly ever write with this much vulnerability!
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I think the initial writings are always this honest. With time, writing becomes refined.