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Me: I discovered a paperwork hack at work that is going to save me hours of time each week!

Doug: I’ve discovered that when I’m teaching two classes, I can get out of teaching one class if I hire a young Polish child to come in every day, say “I am Doug Foster,” and start a movie. If anyone asks any questions, he just repeats “I am Doug Foster” and hands out another copy of the syllabus.

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Me: How do I smell? Good or great?

Doug: It’s not good or bad. Just dirty and funky. Like an old whore.

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Me: Do you think the reason my book isn’t getting published is because it’s a little too good?

Doug: Oh yeah, that’s the number one reason books don’t get published according to “Unpublished Authors Monthly”—the only magazine written by unpublished authors, for unpublished authors, about unpublished authors.

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Doug (on having children): Babies may shit in diapers, but a baby is a shit in the diaper that is your life. Only it’s one you can’t wipe away; you just walk around with it until you start chafing.