Doug: What if we didn’t have our millions of dollars and only had each other?
Me: Um, we have negative money. Literally all we have is each other.
Doug: Oh… now I’m scared.
Doug: What if a woman wanted to have a natural birth so she could boast about having a natural birth, but then she gave birth to a chrome baby from dimension X? She could no longer boast about natural birth because such an unnatural thing came out of her. She should have just gotten the epidural.
Me: A lot of good writers only wrote one book, including the guy who wrote The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
Doug: Well he tried to publish the sequel, The Countless Downsides of Being a Wallflower, but nobody wanted to buy it.
When I had the hiccups:
Doug: I prefer words to these grotesque noises you’re making. I prefer human language.