Doug: I have fun with you.

Me: Aww, really?

Doug: Yeah. We’re like two boys whose moms know each other and we have matching bowl cuts and like to snot rocket our hands and smush them together.


While reflecting on the failing business model of the Iowa City Pizza Hut:

Doug: The first problem is its location. It’s next to a K-Mart, so it may as well be on the edge of a black hole. The second problem is that it’s a Pizza Hut, which is just a huge disadvantage.


Me: What was the moment when you knew I was the one?

Doug: Why does there always have to be one moment it happened? Why can’t it be like a fungal infection? You don’t know when you contracted it, you just find out after you’ve had it for a while.