4 Things That Somehow Happened to Me

1. There’s no delicate way to say this: My colleagues and I found a Band-Aid in our Olive Garden salad. It had a speck of blood on it, it was wrapped in the shape of a finger, it was translucent like the lettuce leafs, and we didn’t find it until we’d already eaten most of the salad. The manager assured us this was “obviously a fluke incident” and comped most of our meal, but oddly not all of it, because we still had to pay eight dollars! That’s how much it costs to eat a Band-Aid salad and possibly contract tetanus at the O.G.

2. Doug and I paid to use the virtual reality headsets at the mall. We had the choice between a simulation of a carnival ride or a haunted house. I wanted the carnival ride, he wanted the haunted house, I gave in and regretted it immediately when a blood-soaked zombie jumped out and proceeded to slowly slit my throat open with a pair of pruning shears. My only solace, as my virtual guts dripped down my virtual body, was to look down at my withered skeleton legs and imagine how great it would feel to be that skinny. I guess the attendant noticed how unhappy I looked, because afterwards he threw in the carnival ride for free.

3. I was driving home one day when the guy on the radio said he’d soon be revealing the results of a new study that have determined how much money you need in your bank account to be happy. Naturally, I drove circles around my house awaiting the answer—which I predicted would be somewhere between 1k and 10k—because I love evidence-based shit that makes me feel better about being broke. Do you want to know what the answer was, though? Do you? EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS.

4. I’ve been writing my new book for several hours a day. Sometimes I question why I dedicate so much time to something so solitary and trivial, so I’ve made up a game for when I start to think that way: I just pretend that I’m a prisoner and the only way to break free is to finish my book. Because if that were the case, would I bother to question the inherent value of the pursuit or would I just get back to work, grateful for an activity to help pass the time in my prison cell?

Happy spring, all. Yesterday I went outside and the air didn’t make me want to cut my face off. It is my sincere hope that, wherever you are, your air isn’t making you want to cut yours off either.