Me: Are you even a man?

Doug: My penis resigned today. Said he was looking for a position with more stability and prestige. So to answer your question, no.


**When All Star by Smash Mouth came on the radio**

Doug: Ugh, this song makes me want to smash my mouth in. Is that where they got their name?


Me: Who would have thought we’d still be together?

Doug: No one. I literally bet against it. Can I borrow your loans? I bet $10,000.