Me: Who was your favorite Backstreet Boy?

Doug: What were their names? Crumpet? Dimsby? Thadwhacker? Dobe? I guess I liked Dobe.


Doug: Yesterday I was sitting underneath some trees and these little bits of seeds and pollen were falling down. It was very enchanting until later when I realized that a bunch of them were stuck in my hair and that the trees had essentially ejaculated on my head. And that by only noticing them later and shaking them around I was participating in the sexual processes of plants. Does that count as cheating?


**When there was a bad smell in our bedroom**

Doug: Did you dump the bed? Symptoms include big pajama pants full of dump.


**After grabbing the book I’m reading and scanning the last page**

Doug: Oh, it has a happy ending. Unless this is about the bad guy. In which case the ending is very, very dark.