Nothing ever happens the way I expect
Once I got online to Google how to open a tube of Orajel to spread on my sore vagina
But instead found out my ex-boyfriend was engaged

Once I listened to a Voicemail telling me my grandpa had died
Two seconds before the junk yard man knocked on my door to haul away the car I’d had for twelve years

I’ve been on too many happy, nostalgic tours of my life
Going back to the places I used to have fun with the people I used to have fun with
It’s too easy
I know what I really need is to take a tour of the history of my sadness
Drive alone to the places that used to make me cry
And let myself feel sad all over again

I hate when people “knock on wood”
I don’t like when people name their babies heaven spelled backward
Please don’t say “Pretend you like each other” before taking my picture
If another 20 year old boy calls his girlfriend his “Old Lady,” I will rip out my hair, weave it into a sweater, and scream into that sweater until my throat dries up

I can’t read books where nobody is crazy
Long-term travel only appeals to me when I feel lost
It’s taken me this long to admit I’m not that interested in learning things
(not the type of things most people like to learn, anyway)

There are only two things that still hold my attention on Facebook
One is the profile of a boy I knew years ago
His paranoid statuses make it clear he’s experiencing a psychotic break
It’s both terrifying and fascinating to watch it all unfold
The other is a game I play with myself
I look at the pictures on my news feed without looking at the names
And try to figure out which Facebook friends are in them
I’m wrong a shocking 72% of the time
Who are you people?