You know it’s going to be a long Easter service when the pastor opens with what will be the first of many sexist comments, followed by the explanation that—rather than simply tell the resurrection story—he is going to start at the very beginning, and then opens with the first line of Genesis, followed by another sexist comment, and is then still discussing the creation story fifty seven minutes later.

Here’s how I survived this year, and how you can too:

  1. Guess what the drug test results would be for every member of the congregation if they were all forced, at that very moment, to pee into a cup.
  1. Play the Reproduction Game that I invented back in college. Pretend that a natural disaster hits and kills everyone on earth except for those in the room with you. Figure out who in the room you would reproduce with to ensure the continuation of the species. (DISCLAIMER: This game raises less ethical dilemmas when your significant other is not seated next to you.)
  1. Find the people in the room who look the most like your old elementary school classmates.  Whisper your best findings to your mom, as if this means anything to her—as if she has given any thought to those people since sometime around 1996.
  1. See how long it takes you to memorize the exact shape of the splotchy blob shapes that make up the pattern on your dress well enough that you can close your eyes and recreate each jagged edge perfectly in your mind.

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  1. Plan out your strategy for the Easter brunch buffet. What’s it going to be this year—three entrée plates followed by two dessert plates, or two entrée plates followed by three dessert plates? This is the difficult decision that Jesus faced when he dined with the Pilgrims on the first Halloween—I’m pretty sure that’s where Easter came from.