My phone has officially cut me off from photographs.


^How did it allow me to take that screen shot, you ask? I wonder that too. But alas.

It’s funny to me that I have met my quota, because how is my life interesting enough to warrant my having taken that many pictures of it? What are all these scenes and objects and moments that simply had to be documented for posterity? On what occasion will I look at them again and whose lives will benefit from seeing them?

I don’t know; I just know I have to clear that shit out. Here today I have compiled a list of the top 10 photos in my phone, as an ode to all the brilliant photos on all our phones everywhere that may never get the day in the sun they deserve.

10. Dog wearing a necktie

Need I say more?

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9. Selfie of my own legs

I was loving my pants and shoes (and especially the combination thereof) this day. It’s a major logistical challenge to capture a selfie of your own feet and calves, so this required several outtakes. But I think we can all agree it was well worth it.

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8. Bowl full of miniature fruit

I went a little nutty at the grocery store one night and bought nothing but miniature fruit. Those bananas and pears were TINY, people. I wish I had placed some objects nearby so you could see them to scale, because in the photo they just look kind of regular. Just take my word on this one: TINY.

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7. Doorstops shaped like birds

This is a family photo of the doorstops I bought for myself and two of my co-workers. From right to left their names are Pierre, Ca$hes, and Fat Bird.

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6. The way a McDonald’s employee spelled my name on a receipt

She must know I’m half Jewish.


5. A children’s show where the characters have penises for heads

I mean, there’s no way those were not intended to look like penises, right? Are the producers screwing with us? Parents, weigh in.

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4. Breast petals

Came across these at Target last weekend. Who knew?

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3. My annual review

My boss always likes to create a joke review for me before he generates the real one. He is always tempted to submit the first one to leadership/HR and see if they notice.

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2. Caricature of Doug drawn by an old man

Last October when Doug was playing a show an old man came in, drew him, and left this drawing behind, swiftly exiting before the end of the performance.

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1. Cat love

Normally Witten screams during this and I have to break it up, but this time it was the purr heard ’round the world so I took pictures instead. (Excuse the poor focus from the zoom- I wanted to give them their privacy.)

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So there you have it, folks! What are the best photos on your phone?