Me: Do you remember Megan’s ex-boyfriend, Ryan?

Doug: Oh yeah, wasn’t he that guy we met at that party? He brought that glazed ham, and we were all eating it, but then it turned out to just be his face, and we all buried the body in the backyard and made a pact never to tell?


**After hearing Roll to Me by Del Amitri on the radio**

Doug: Oh thank God that’s over. At first I thought two bees were stinging each of my eardrums, but then I realized it was just that song.


On marriage equality:

Doug: What if radical activists make it legal to marry your dog, but then radical dog’s rights activists make it legal for a dog to marry a turd, and then a man is marrying his dog, but right in the middle of the ceremony the dog has a bowel movement and then turns around and marries that, jilting the man and humiliating him in front of his family? We wouldn’t have to worry about these things if all marriage were traditional.