I have so much to tell you about the last few months, but for now here’s a quick recap: I left both my jobs, joined a private therapy practice, and suddenly have lots of free time with which to live out my lifelong fantasy of running errands during weekday business hours. Here is what I have accomplished so far:

Left a Public Toilet in Questionable Condition

I’m not going into detail, but let’s just say I momentarily lost my mind and tossed a tampon wrapper and applicator into the toilet instead of the trash can.

When I realized my mistake, my gut instinct said: Be a good person—fish it out.

But then my brain said: Girl, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do! How many times have you unsuspectingly walked into a public restroom only to stumble upon a gross, confusing toilet situation? Thousands! And how many times have you caused a gross, confusing toilet situation? Just this once! You have rightfully earned yourself a ‘get out of jail free’ card, lady! Now get out of here and go enjoy your day in the sun!

(My empowered exit would have been much more poignant had I not had to walk past the next woman in line who breezed into my stall as I scuttled past her to the sinks, where I quickly washed my hands with my head hung in shame.)

Almost Got my Car Stolen

When I made an appointment to get the interior of my car professionally cleaned, I didn’t realize—until my GPS informed me I’d arrived—that the business was just some dude at his house.

“I’ll drop you off at Hyvee and pick you up when I’m done,” the guy said as I nervously handed over my key. As he drove, he explained that he feeds his dog two scrambled eggs every Sunday while I silently wondered if I was going to be murdered.

While waiting at the Hyvee café, I texted my friends: “On a scale from 1-10, how likely do you think it is that my car will be stolen?” Bevin wagered a 9, Noemi guessed 11, and Doug demanded to know where I’d heard about this “service.”

In the end, though, he did an amazing job! He even threw in some custom-made carpets and a free waxing. Highly recommend!

Scored a Free Sandwich by Accidentally Dressing Like a Cow

When I went to Chick-Fil-A last Tuesday, the line was jam-packed with parents and children wearing white clothing onto which they’d taped, sewn, and/or drawn black spots. I had no idea what was happening, but I was suddenly very self-conscious to be wearing my new white blouse with black polka dots.

The lady who took my order was wearing a shirt that said “Happy Cow Appreciation Day!” and told me my sandwich was free.

When I sat down, I Googled “Cow Appreciation Day” and learned that everyone across the country who dressed in “cow-like apparel” that day got a free chicken sandwich.

Which means that my attire had been deemed sufficiently cow-like, and also that everyone thought I was the only non-parent/non-child who got decked out for this event. Which is embarrassing as hell, but hey, this heifer ain’t too proud to appreciate free chicken.