1. Buying a car

Doug and I woke up at the butt crack of dawn to drive to Geneso, Illinois to check out the 2010 Jeep Grand Cherokee that they posted for $9,999 only to get laughed at by the dealer who said that even if such a thing ever existed, which it never would, it would be long gone by now. … Good one? (I’d post the fake ad but they removed it after Doug e-mailed later to suggest they remove it).

“We must have sounded like naive idiots,” Doug said while we stood around feeling like naive idiots. “Like, oh yeah mister, we saw a coupon online for a free car. We’re just here to pick up our free car!”

The dealer then drove us around to different lots in various cornfields trying to locate several cars for us to look at, none of which he could find, while I sent Doug texts from the backseat that this place seemed unorganized. As the dealer pulled back into the original lot, he crashed the front of the car into the concrete curb. “Oh shit!” he yelled, slamming to a halt. “I hope the owner didn’t see that.”

2. Convincing the principal and my boss to give me a key to my school.

I was locked out every day last week. (We’re in the middle of a heat wave, people!) The custodians have started screening my calls.