1. I don’t want to be the lame blogger who opens every post with a rant about how busy I’ve been, but holy shit my life is insane. How do people have time to blog regularly? Same question for bathing. It’s almost as if everybody else isn’t planning a wedding every second of every day. Please enjoy the list I threw together last minute to get you caught up on my life.

2. I signed up for a membership at a tanning spa. I know, I know… cancer, feminism, the recent photo circulating the internet of that poor woman’s face falling off, etc. Don’t think that’s not all on my mind as I lay in my tanning bed with Hot Chelle Rae blasting in my ears. But I always told myself that my wedding would be the one event I’d tan for, and my membership came with a free candle that smells as good as skin cancer is bad.

3. I opened a savings account! Partly because my friends were recently horrified to find out I’d never had one and supposedly I should have taken that step, like, ten years ago, but mostly because honeymoon contributions are coming in and I want to make sure I don’t spend it all on decorative vases from Gordman’s. I felt like such an adult as I walked out of the bank that day, sucking on my bank lollipop.

4. Three hours ago I came across a posting for MY DREAM JOB, the type of thing I never even knew you could get paid for, right in my own backyard. I spent three whole hours on cloud nine, antsy with anticipation and fantasies of how perfect my life was about to become and how I would never have another problem again ever. Then about ten minutes ago I read the description closer and realized it is a temporary job, not to exceed September 2015. I truly feel as devastated and grief-stricken as though I just lost a loved one, and I keep alternating between singing “Yesterday” and stomping around the house chanting, “FUN JOBS AREN’T REAL.”

5. I learned I should never take Benadryl before work. That shit is strong.

6. “My farts smell like a wet dish rag.” –Doug, just now

7. We took a road trip to New York two weeks ago. We visited our good friends in Oswego and Doug’s sister at West Point. Our nephew greeted me with a full-force kick of a soccer ball directly into the highly tender incision spot of my previous foot surgery.

8. It’s bachelorette party season! Last weekend my Iowa friends threw me an Iowa bachelorette party, and this weekend my high school friends are throwing me a bachelorette party at a rented lakeside house. I need to get married more often.

9. I keep telling Doug he is the least fun person to open wedding gifts with. He can’t enjoy it because he gets too stressed out about how we are going to de-construct and dispose of the boxes. The cats, on the other hand, are the best people to open wedding gifts with, as they fully embrace any and all box-related opportunities.

10. I told my friend that I loved her baby’s toy guitar. Turns out it was an adult’s ukulele.

Cake Testing