Me: Our Airbnb host just reviewed us.

Doug: What did she say?

Me (reading off the computer): No complaints, very kind, would book again.

Doug: That’s all we got? That doesn’t really capture us. Our warmth, our humor, our offbeat outlook on life, our devil-may-care attitude…


Me: The Christmas gifts we ordered should arrive this week.

Doug: What are you mumbling about over there? Are you talking trash? It’s like the garbage can lid is flapping up and down, garbage and flies spewing everywhere.


*After he got mad at me for announcing to our server at Red Lobster that it was his birthday, nearly resulting in him getting sung to by the staff*

Doug: Look, the whole point of Red Lobster is that you don’t have to have any human interaction with anyone—not the staff, not the person you’re with. You just bury your face in a pile of shellfish, you pour the scalding drawn butter down your throat, you go home and you go to bed.”